


I love you

by returnbydeath



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:02:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27089074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/returnbydeath/pseuds/returnbydeath
Summary: Beatrice finds Subaru alone.(post-S2/arc 4, possible spoilers)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 107





	I love you

“This is the only way I can feel alive, Beatrice.”

He had said that right in front of her, caught in the act of furiously scratching his arms, blood streaking down from the crevices within his reddened skin. She, for one, had found him alone and reluctant to budge from the spot he remained in the bathroom.

“Betty doesn’t like it when Subaru does this,” Her little face scrunched up adorably, the boy beside her wishing they were in a situation to joke around and have fun. Beatrice didn’t need to notice that he did this on top of all else that was happening around them. In fact, she most likely already recognized from the start. His fake smiles and sudden trips away from the group, the way he sometimes glared at everybody in the Emilia Camp with a gaze that made it challenging to trust him when he said he was fine.

“I know. I’m sorry, Beako. I’m fine now, see?” Subaru waved his hands about comically, something she would usually tease him about anywhere except here.

Uncomfortable in this situation and unfamiliar with the action of self-harm, Beatrice answered calmly, “…No, Subaru. Come here, I suppose… Betty needs to stop the bleeding, at least let me do that for you, in fact.” She beckoned him over like a dog, and as requested he squatted next to her on the bathroom floor as she gently pushed the door behind herself closed and he held his close to mutilated arm out, cluttered with whitened scars and deep bleeding cuts that seemed too satisfying to stare at for Subaru.

He constantly craved for a healthy coping mechanism, but he constantly came back to this, consciously or sub-consciously. His arms felt like they needed to be bleeding for the regret to trickle out of his veins and remind him he’s really there. Not where the rabbits are inside of him, not where the girl he loves is kissing a dying form of himself. Not where he can watch all of his allies he loves so much die brutal and excruciating deaths.

Just before these thoughts give his bloodied fingertips another reason to reach back to reopen the closing wounds, an intimate light and warmth wrap themselves around his lacerations, sewing together the wounds with a love unfelt by Earth.

“Please don’t do it again, Subaru will make Betty cry, I suppose.”

“Beatrice, I—”

“Betty doesn’t care if it helps you feel alive, I suppose! Betty just wants… Betty just wants… Subaru,” Sobs shrieked from the inside of her lungs, striking the clueless Subaru on the chest with her tiny hands. “You to not harm yourself and suffer alone just like Betty did, I suppose!”

His heart sank, God, he felt so guilty. He had brought her to tears when he had declared to her she’d never cry again while in his company just a short while ago while they lay in bed together, holding hands like an older brother and a younger sister, pretending to stare up at the ceiling as if there were countless stars for them to look at. He had betrayed her trust, rendering him speechless. It was late at night. He had snook out without her knowing, and she had followed him in curiosity.

Curiosity killed the cat.

Subaru would never stop. He knew he couldn’t tell anyone, that witch Satella making him unable to speak about his powers, not even to his closest allies. It broke him inside. If he told Beatrice now, she’d die. Right in front of him, like Emilia did that time. God, he’d never try it again, in fact, he prayed to God frequently if he even existed. Just to not see those eyes stare at him that way again, those gazes and glares of disappointment, laughing and hating himself so much.

He didn’t do it because he needed to. He didn’t do it because he wanted attention. He didn’t do it because he liked the pain.

He, Subaru, did it because it helped him feel alive. Seeing the thick crimson leak down his arms, the hot, blinding pain throbbing in his arms, it reminded him he was really there, and not somewhere he prayed he wasn’t. Subaru never wants to see his own or anyone else’s blood ever again, but this was an exception. He felt alive, for the first time since he used his power. Whenever he’s struck with severe anxiety, unable to breathe or react or do anything remotely useful, he could scratch his arms to bring himself back to reality and it’d be all better and no one would say a thing because they wouldn’t know.

No one has to know.

“…So, why, Beatrice, does it have to be you?” He sobbed out, hating the feeling of the mana draining out of him for Beatrice’s use, only for it to pour right back into him, into his useless self. Wasting Beatrice’s mana was something serious, and he wanted for her just to be there with him, calming him down whenever he was hurting, just like a supportive little sister.

Beatrice softly sighed, gripping on to Subaru’s half-healed arm with the gentle hands of an angel. “I don’t know,” Despite all this, she gained the strength she needed to look up at him and smile,

“But Betty knows that she wants to be there for Subaru no matter what, I suppose.”

Subaru teared up, and Beatrice brought him close to her chest, stroking his hair as he sobbed his worries that he could vaguely describe into her chest. Beatrice wished she could understand even an inch of him, but she couldn’t, and it was okay because she loved him more than anyone else could.

“I just—I-I just don’t want to see you guys die! I love you guys more than anything… More than anything else in this world, but I just can’t bear to think of it, and…”

“It’s okay,”

“…I end up doing this to myself because I want to remind myself that I’m here, I-I’m really here, and I’m not someplace deep in my mind!”

“It’s okay, I suppose. It’s okay to be sad. Even Betty gets a little sad sometimes. But, what Betty learned is that we can’t dwell on it forever, in fact. We have to tell the bad feelings and loneliness inside of us to shoo away because Betty and Subaru have a lot of people who care about us, I suppose.”

“—Hk..!” Subaru wrapped his bare arms around Beatrice’s chest, shamelessly sobbing into her chest, getting her dress wet with salty tears.

“…What is Betty going to do with you, I suppose…”

But, she smiled. It would be a new day tomorrow and they would have more time to talk it over. He would have more time to explain and more time to apologise about how he got her adorable dress wet with his snot and tears. Beatrice wanted to chuckle just thinking about the possible happy memory.

“I love you, Beako.”

“I love you too, I suppose.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!


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